Wake up it's 2004.

This year has been a blur. I think of my last new years and shudder. No really. I was lying next to a girl way too young for me. Who had no idea what so ever of how to take care of me as my cold sweats produced hallucinations started. I was dying of the flu. and I couldn't go home. Home was where a relationship that I had wanted just as bad a puppy was dying of neglect. She had given me way to many smoothies and slept way to hard for a woman on watch of a person with a 103 degree fever. There was a party I didn't/couldn't go to because she wasn't old enough, and I wasn't well enough. It was a nightmare. and in my nightmare. I was now having hallucinations. I believe they were of moths. and butterflies. red and orange. points of light. in my flu hell.

This year as I ready myself to attend a party with a couple of friends who'd like to stay friends. with me. I took a pre party snooze. to get myself in the mood to celebrate 'na mean. I had a dream about my homie - I was talking to her girlfriend about coming to New York - and all of a sudden she switches up her pronouns and starts calling her - "him". I continue to say her name instead of her or him. And then all of a sudden she just goes back to she. Like water right. (fluid) But i was confused for a minute. I was hella worried. Cause pronouns are like stand - ins. I thought for a minute someone else had been introduced in the conversation. and I wasn't aware. Like there was now a third person in the equation. and X = he. *sigh* I miss my girls. that I call my n*ggas. my homies. but my girls.

I remember many a new year ago. My cousin. the biggest two spirit gender fuck you've ever seen buckle under pain from cramps. It was a moment. just like the moment we all have sometimes. when we notice the things that make us women. like peeing sitting down. plus it's comfortable. at home anyway. like wearing a bra. or not having 40 bras. just the same 3 or 4 ultra strong jog bras. It's almost like a shirt. I never stop to consider how my breast look in it. Just that I cannot go without one. -- As long as I could remember -- I was always dissapointed with the way men's shirts distorted when on me...cause I forgot to include the breast factor. Then I started seeing MAN TEETS and that made everything alright.

so. new years is here. and it looks real real good. i have a love. hopefully a new job. and friends who call me every hour on the hour to wish me a happy new year. I am not alone.

wish y'all a happy one. whenever your new years comes. since I'm on this here gregorian calendar.