It’s not like I don’t want to be with you, or that I can’t. It’s that after years of abuse and neglect. I don’t trust myself to love without a self imposed safety net. To release all inhibitions and believe in love. The love I defined as an idealist, after witnessing love for the first few times. The love that moves you swiftly through time and space. I have been consumed by its flame many times before and believe the lessons to learn were completed. I can now admit to myself and to you that I was burned. That I am suspicious of good and of you. I must project images of self doubt, of inadequacy on to you in order to somehow create a mismatch. A reason, a scapegoat for not being present, for wanting more time, for waiting, for not being ready.
I’ve played myself. I decided after way too many mistakes that I what I wanted most was choice and freedom. Freedom to decide not to work on me. To dead anyone who was getting to close. I can be who I want to whomever I want. And never shall the two meet.
I am ready to trust that we come from the same place and that we want the same things. That your struggle is my struggle and vice versa. That we will build our wealth as a family. A strong black family. That you will bear my children and my name. And I will exchange my very being, soul, body, and mind to empower our union. These things will go understood.
I want to be safe. I want you to be safe, to not feel threatened. I don’t even know how to say it. Or how to be it. But I want you. I want to claim you as my partner. I believe we are friends. I accept you for who you are and as we are getting to know each other I can see that you aren’t guessing at this person. You are complexity defined but there is a reasoning. I can see the AA BB AA patterns as I learn your rhythms. I trust your science. And believe not only that you can but that you do love me.
I want to tell you that you are thoughtful, funny, sophisticated, appreciative, supportive, creative, and many other things I haven’t figured out how to describe.
I do. I really do. Want you to be my……